Greetings,
I would like to open this interview for those reading to understand the amount of courage it takes to discuss such an issue, despite how it’s “trending” on social media right now. I guarantee you it is not trending by the hands of those who have suffered sexual assault or abuse of any form as much as it is by those seeking to exploit the pain and trauma of survivors, causing them to relive their experience all over again.
Niedira Kenny is one of my closest girlfriends, whom I’ve known over 15 years. She is also one of the strongest women I know who inspires me endlessly…and her stance within this interview further solidifies my sentiment of her. We’ve been through it all together, and I am deeply honored that she came to me 1) to open up and share her story with me, and 2) to ask me to help her share some of her experience and perspective with the world for the very first time since it happened, nearly 5 years ago. Because I too share a similar story and have been a megaphone for countless of others to share their stories, I knew the magnitude of the call I received.
Niedria D. Kenny & Ebony S. Muhammad
This is not only a message to the critics who spew their unsolicited and vile comments via social media, but this is a word of Empowerment for those who feel like the wounds of their experience(s) are being torn back open by these recent events in the media and news. Not only do we share your story, but we are coming to your defense to push back against those who have no right to oppose why you chose your particular path to healing!
Peace & Love,
Ebony S. Muhammad, Publisher of Hurt2Healing Magazine…and Survivor.
Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): With the recent surge of survivors of sexual assault speaking out, we’ve also seen the unfortunate pushback of their courage to finally tell their story. There have been those on social media who speak, most of the time out of ignorance, as the authority of when survivors should give their report/account. From your perspective and experience, why does the time vary for survivors to speak out?
Niedria Kenny (NK): The short answer is because we are all different and we process differently. The long of it is, many factors play into why a person has chosen to be silent, resulting in disclosing of their assault to occur years later.
Factors such as fear of losing employment. Fear of being judged and told that you did something wrong. Fear of being called a slut or whore or as a mother, fear of being stigmatized as a bad mom because you were out in the first place instead of “home with your child/children.” However, no one knows that your child was with the other parent the night it happened, and you have a right to be able to go out to eat or to the mall or to dinner etc. Fear that you’ll share your story and it will fall on deaf ears. Fear of your attacker striking again. Fear of people not believing you. Fear of people picking apart your story to say that you could have prevented it and concluding with comments about how you did something wrong.
When it’s not a random rape attack by someone you don’t know, you fear that you will have to see them again. You work together, you’re a part of the same social circle, you attend the same church, you do business together, they are family etc. You don’t see a way out. You are embarrassed and simply don’t want anyone to know what happened to you.
For some, like myself; after the attack they are still in survival mode their selves. So, reporting the assault for the sake of “speaking out” to prevent “others” from potential danger and to be the one to put a rapist behind bars, is an afterthought. They are thinking about what they need to do, to continue to survive. If they can do this without saying something, which in a lot of cases is what they have done; then that’s what they do. That’s what I did.
REF: Survive, outlive refer to remaining alive longer than someone else or after some event. Survive usually means to succeed in keeping alive against odds, to live after some event that has threatened one
REF from video game perspective: Survival mode, or horde mode, is a game mode in a video game in which the player must continue playing for as long as possible without dying in an uninterrupted session while the game presents them with increasingly difficult waves of challenges.
Then, there’s fight or flight.
REF: What Happens During the Fight-or-Flight Response. In response to acute stress, the body’s sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones. The sympathetic nervous systems stimulate the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline.
When you’re done fighting you take flight: It happens at the time of the assault and like adrenaline; it last until it doesn’t last. And like the adage, “It is …. until it isn’t anymore.” In other words, “What will be, will be, until it isn’t anymore.” That includes pain… and fear.
That adrenaline manifest in running, hiding, being very quiet… just as you would if your life is still in danger. You feel as though you are still under the attack. So, you sit there, and you be quiet so that no one will know. No one can find you when you’re quiet and you stay tucked away in that dark corner, unseen. You wait for it to “go away” (the feeling: the attacker) You hope that it will just “go away”
When the feeling subsides, and you feel “safe” sometimes you talk about it. That could be years later. That could be the next day, depending on how long it took that individual to come to grips with what happened. If they are lucky, they realize it was not their fault and then, they begin to speak.
It is important to remember when we are addressing one’s actions and response to anything, that everyone is different. We are created with same but not equal body parts or processing abilities.
With that simple understanding first, we would allow ourselves to be less critical when judging a person’s willingness or unwillingness to come forth at which the time their assault happened or at a later date when determining them to be credible or not and when chiming in with our own premature hypotheticals about what we would have done or what someone in that situation would have done.
For so many reasons, a person chooses to disclose it later: They have sought help for themselves and are now strong and courageous enough to talk about it without fear of judgement. They know they did nothing wrong. They are ready to take the next step to address what has happened so that they can overcome a fear of the past. They are willing to stand in the gap for others because they can identify with why someone else didn’t say something- so they come forth as a sacrifice to try to assist the next person to ensure they are not alone and that it’s ok to come forward. They want to be a part of the solution by educating and bringing awareness to aspects of why people don’t speak up. They couldn’t do any of this before, because they couldn’t do it for themselves at the time. You can’t help others if you are not well yourself. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
Your fear of not surviving becomes overpowered, overshadowed with your determination to live and to assist others in doing the same. And this…. May take time.
EM: The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan has spoken on the subject of disrespect and abuse of women and girls for decades. He quite honestly cannot help but to bring these issues up when speaking, which says to me this is a matter deemed critical in the eyes of God.
Minister Farrakhan has described the act of assault/rape to be synonymous to the act of murder, because in essence you are killing the spirit of the one being assaulted, in which only God, Himself, can be the healer of. For me, God’s healing comes wrapped in the form of the divine messages and revelation given to us by The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan. Therefore, we are not left comfortless or without guidance. I know that I would not be as far along in my healing had it not been for that, as well as constant prayer (including the prayers of others).
NK: I would have to wholeheartedly agree with the Minister’s statement here, as it pertains to the gravity of a rape! A part of me died, which had to be restored. If you know anything about GOD’s timing, you know that it can never be seen in between the second hands of the watches we wear or on the clocks we watch. He has an eternal and divine timing source, which we could never comprehend. Knowing or being able to process His timing is incomprehensible.
What we are to do is pray for our healing and trust the process, have faith in the source of our existence and survival in knowing that His mercy and grace is sufficient.
EM: How can judgmental comments, ignorance, limited knowledge and lack of experience concerning what survivors go through damage the willingness for them to speak out?
NK: In the age of social media, which provides a platform for information to exist on a level where it is shared and seen daily by millions; Anything from a bad customer service experience to the most recommended DIY project is recommended and distributed by its users. There is no mistake that the news on social media travels faster than newspapers can press it, T.V. reporters can report it and online publications can upload it.
Victims and survivors of rape are among those users. Because this too, it is a topic of discussion. Especially since the #MeToo Movement.
I have to say that judgmental comments, ignorance, limited knowledge and lack of experience concerning what women and men go through might just be the number one cause beyond a person’s fight or flight, survival mode; which impairs their ability to speak out.
With regards to women and myself; they have already run these scenarios through their head when internalizing and thinking that they did something wrong or deserved it, because the world put a definition on people who dress or look a certain way being susceptible to rape to justify it happening. They have already been made to feel that rape is not a crime punishable by jail-time. They have already been made to feel that such a violation on their body is not serious enough to warrant jail-time of a first offender or a high-profile public figure, or even a random man who preys on women…. And that their precious bodies or even virginity are not worthy of consideration when it comes to being violated.
So, when they are ready to speak, they encounter what they feared in the beginning; which are those comments about how it took so long to talk, how they were dressed and not limited to what they were engaging in when it happened. They do not want to relive it again under public prosecution and humiliation and embarrassment.
Comments and judgements are the reason a victim may retreat from speaking even though they are ready to tell the story. Why? They are not ready to be attacked again by a much larger forum called “the world.” They don’t want to live through the assassination again, the humiliation or embarrassment on a larger platform this time and by people making statements about what they could have done when the issue is not what they could have done or should have done. The issue is that rape shouldn’t happen, so any comment about why it happened is repulsive. Victims will often refrain from making comments or speaking publicly after seeing how others (the public, social media users, ignorant people, people who have never experienced it, people who are protecting others) respond to another victim’s story. They began to reassess their own story all over again.
These comments made out ignorance will hush a victim, therefore setting off a mass destruction of victim’s stories, whereby they then retreat to their black hole. OR the comments will produce a firestorm of others who are willing to talk in defense for others. And therefore, you will see people who decide to tell their stories 2-5-10-15 years later. It’s not that they have an ulterior motive in sharing. It’s that they have been reading comments, processing comments and they are fed up with the ignorance, so they decide to speak! But for the ones who are not there just yet, sadly but understandably; they retreat.
Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): How were you introduced to prostitution and at what age?
LaToya Richards
LaToya Richards (LR): I was 18 or 19 years of age and had no idea that what I had just done for money could or would be considered prostitution. I was not on the streets and I was not yet in what could be considered active addiction. I was just sitting at the bus stop, and a man offered me a ride home. Mid-way he propositioned me, and I accepted because I did not see anything wrong with it since I was promiscuous anyway. At 20 years of age I was actually involved in a prostitution ring and did not realize it because it was presented to me as the family I did not have, and the support that I needed.
EM: We spoke about some of the reasons why women and girls get into prostitution as well as what keeps them there. Can you reiterate those reasons?
LR: Some are forced, persuaded, or they lack knowledge as to this lifestyle is non-conducive to their natural lives. There are many different scenarios that can ultimately lead to women being in this industry, and believe it or not they fall under one or all three of these reasons.
EM: What are some of the uncommon circumstances women and girls become prostitutes? We talked a little bit about sex trafficking and women and girls being taken advantage of after natural disasters. Can you expound on that a little more?
LR: The industry is extremely complex and seeing it happen would depend on: (1.) Who you are and if you have the eyes for such activity, and (2.) Where you are, because they are definitely particular areas that are prone to high drug and prostitution activity than others. But you would have to be aware of that.
With that said, there are situations where you can clearly see that it is definitely sexual exploitation. Massage parlors, hotels, motels, chat lines, and as of lately the internet, have been the main place these women prefer to use as a platform, so to speak. There are even women who come from different countries with the promise of a better life only to get here and the person or people who got them here their entire life. Children are taken from different countries to be sex slaves through the means of adoption and even natural disasters, this happens more often than not.
EM: How do these men or women approach/trap/coerce girls into this life? Let’s use runaways as an example. I read that 1 in 6 runaways are more likely to be brought into or forced into sex trafficking.
LR: I would say it is easier to manipulate a woman who does not know any better into this lifestyle. Without a core set of values and principles conducive to the spiritual growth and development, it is quite easy to get caught up in the things of this world. Love, acceptance, drugs and or all three of those motivations can be used to drive a woman into this industry. There is no one way to go about doing this. I made a choice to use my body to get money and get high. There are people, men and women, who will use the promise of their love and affection or a better life to get women to do as they please, and this promise is tailored to the individual they are giving it to at that time.
EM: Looking back, what do you see you were missing, deep within yourself, that allowed the addiction to occur? Sometimes we don’t realize we don’t know our value.
LR: Self-love, self-acceptance as well as other skills like critical thinking, coping and emotional intelligence where a few of the things I found that I lacked. I also did not have the proper guidance or motivation necessary to strive for the absolute best and to see my truest and fullest potential. I did not have any emotional, mental, physical, and most importantly and spiritual support. There was no healthy identity nor belief system I had for myself. It had never been cultivated. I never had the proper foundation to build on.
EM: You mentioned that some of the men you were with would tell you that this wasn’t the life for you. What affect did their words have on you?
LR: The words of those people were a reminder of who I knew myself to be at my core. Those words affected me in a positive manner, but because those people would take advantage of me majority of the time right after those words had been spoken, I found it hard to take them seriously for a long period of time.
EM: How did substance abuse come about? Was it before or after the prostitution, or was it at the same time?
LR: Substance abuse came before the prostitution for me. However, when I left the drugs alone I continued prostituting, because I didn’t see anything wrong with it.
You can let go of the drugs but still be addicted to men; addicted to the approval, the “love” and validation because you are really looking to be told by a man that you are worth something. It’s natural for a woman to want a man. We’re raised from little girls to want a man in our life. We talk about the wedding and the wedding dress, but what happens when you don’t get that or see that happening in your life by the time “they” [society] say you should? If you’re not married or in a relationship by your 20s or 30s…then something is wrong with you? What society says is right isn’t always right.
If you listen to what these men [hip hop artists] are saying in these songs of how to keep a man, I say: “I’m good, I’ll pass”. The things they say to keep them are the same things they talk about you for.
We live in a world and society that tells us how to keep a man, what makes a man happy, and all these Facebook posts with photos of women with their men as if they [the men] are the prize. It’s this insidious way of the world telling us you’re nothing without a man in your life. Where do you go to find resolve for that? If you don’t like going inside of yourself, then there’s a problem.
EM: Do you know of any women and girls who lost their lives while in prostitution? I remember Faye who was in the same transitional home with you…I was devastated hearing about what happened to her.
LR: I don’t know of anyone personally, but I’ve heard of many. When I was in jail, girls I was in with were released and got back into the life and were killed.
When I heard about Faye being killed, it really woke me up and made me re-evaluate myself. I saw myself slipping back into old habits while in Angela House, and when Faye was killed – and I think she was really dealing with the wrong guy that ended up killing her – it made me snap into shape.
EM: How did you begin to feel the emotions such as loneliness, boredom, and anxiety without resorting to numbing out? How did you get to that space in your life where you learned that it was okay to feel those things and then have something healthy to do with those feelings?
LR: Meditation, reading, writing, and talking about my feelings. Getting out of myself and helping others. Setting goals and accomplishing them. I basically had to learn how to live again. I had to re-program myself with new thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that were in alignment with my core. I have to learn myself on a daily basis and incorporate it and/or adjust accordingly. It is truly a lifelong process.
EM: How did you ultimately escape from prostitution? Was it over a period of time or did something traumatic happen?
Read the full interview on Hurt2HealingMag.com